The smell of cigarettes much too early in the morning, a blanket of smoke and smokers blocking the entrance to my office building. I want to douse them in gasoline and watch them ignite themselves. They smell like a thousand farts and breaths of halitosis.

The taste of a 7-eleven breakfast. The solitude of lunch. The tick-tock that my computer’s clock doesn’t make as it counts down the minutes until I’m free to leave this seat, this building, this lung-cancerous city.

If all the people in the world holding a cigarette at this very moment fell dead.. would you mind?

I’ve memorized the rhythm of the train pulling into a station. Ta-ka tug dug, ta-ka tug dug, ta-ka tug-dug… stop. Doors open. People push. Doors close. Again and again and again.

Doors close.

Haha, this is fun, it’s like I have a [wide] [vocabulary] of signs, when [really], this is very simple English. It’s like [simple.wikipedia.org], where sentences are so short and simple that [even] a gradeschooler [would] understand.

This month our class will be having our evaluations. Because I’ll be going to Cebu for my brother and sister’s graduations, I won’t be here for the evaluation, so I’ll have to [take] the test early, which is a little [scary]. I’ll also have to sign an [entire] song for Ma’am Beth, our evaluator. I chose [Gary V's] “Gaya ng Dati”, but [might] change it later on if I [find] a better song. (Thanks to [tutor] Anne for teaching the signs to the words!)

Classes on Saturdays and exposures on Sundays are fun. I learn a lot of things that I don’t [really] need to learn (I [took] up Sign Language on a [whim], after all), but I have a lot of fun learning them. Also, last Sunday I signed “Holy, Holy” in church for the Deaf people, and they told me after that I was very red up in [front]. ^_^; I haven’t [turned] red [since] high school, I think. That was [embarrassing]. >.< And they [might] [even] make me do it again! >.

Being [around] Deaf people, you [realize] how [deprived] they are [growing] up, not understanding their parents, not knowing their [own] names, not being a part of the world going on [around] them. But the one thing I can’t help but think about every day, the one thing that I [find] very sad, is that they live in a world without music. All the other things I [mentioned] are hard to [relate] to, hard to [imagine] one’s self in those [situations]. But music is a large part of my life, so when I [imagine] a world without [violins] and [pianos] and [flutes] and [kokia], I feel the world [shrinking], getting smaller and smaller until it’s [unbearable]. A world without music is [scary].

[Ah], I have a lot of words to learn.

 - our trainor’s name is E With A Cut On His Forehead

So, my schedule effective tomorrow until maybe June:

Weekdays:
- Office Hours – study for Java Sun Certification for Web Component Developer
- At night – study Ruby on Rails and/or Ruby Shoes
- except maybe Tuesday and/or Friday nights, for games

Saturday:
- Morning – Read Manga, recover from game night
- Afternoon – Learn Sign Language, Basic (until April. After April I can decide whether to proceed with Intermediate)

Sunday:
- Write a story for submission to a publisher*
- Blog, maybe
- Rest

Saw an ad on my street for Sign Language lessons for 1,800 pesos, and I’ve always wanted to learn a new language, might as well learn ASL.

*Wondering what genre of story I should write. After researching available publishers, I’m contemplating between fantasy (1000-4000 words), chick-lit (25,000), fantasy chick-lit (50,000) or children’s books. I’m guessing this might be a good time to try writing chick-lit, but I’m dreading having to read existing chick-lit books out there for reference. Hmm. Whatcha think?

Well, I’ve decided to revive my Twitter account today. Will probably post short tweets here, like how I’m so excited about 9, or how our world might actually be a hologram, or how I really need to go out for dinner now.

Hrm. I’m hungry.

So it’s 2009 and once again the year has changed, and every time this happens I feel a little confused. January 1 is such an arbitrary day, no different from any other, but celebrated as the beginning of the year just because Julius Caesar declared it a couple of thousand years ago. But nothing much happens on midnight on the first of January. The earth turns a little, moves around the sun a little, and fireworks go off. Big deal. I don’t get it. Every day should be a new year.

Still, because everyone else seems to treat each new set of 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes and 12 seconds as a neatly delimited chapter in our lives, as though our lives come in segments with clear beginnings and ends, I’ve spent a little time this morning wondering about the things that happened in the last year.

I lost my job, which was sucky enough even without the conjunctivitis and having my phone die on me at the same time.

I moved back to Manila for work, effectively beginning a long-distance relationship with zee. Sucks.

I turned a quarter of a century old. My zee turned a year older.

My phone got stolen. A wonderful day.

My friends, Red and Tin, got “married”. The most fun wedding I’ve attended, and the only one with Wii, PS3 and ping pong on pre-wedding game night. Didn’t get to play Taboo officially (because our team won before my turn), but picked up a knack for it after the wedding. ^_^

Zee and I celebrated our four years together, apart.

I joined, and failed, NaNoWriMo, but gained a confidence that no attempt is ever made in vain. Made a mental list of things I want to try for a month, including putting up a website, learning the guitar, learning Rails, getting published, writing songs, etc.

I set up my website. Well, technically not yet, just relocated my blog to thirdworldwriter.com, but I’ll fix it soon enough.

My tau cross’s string broke.

And I met up with Girlie and April. Funny thing.

Here are two people I met in high school, was never really friends with either of them, and I think I might have hated April at one point (I hated all CAT officers, as a group, sorry ^^). I have almost no memory of them from those days, but met the older versions of themselves online via blogs. I find it pretty cool that we are able to do these sort of things now, forget people of no importance to us and discover them later in a new light. It makes the world just that much larger.

Among all the days in my life that I still remember, among the most significant is the Fifteenth of August, 2008. This is the day that my phone got stolen, and unlike most memorable days where only one or two significant events occur, this day had a whole bunch of important events that taught me something. And every once in a while, when the state of the world leaves me feeling really down, I look back to this day as a reminder that there is still hope.

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, but it involved losing a cellphone, not knowing the time, listening to the rain, following a foreigner and offering an umbrella without a word.

As you might guess, because I don’t believe in the concept of a “New Year”, I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I believe people should contemplate how they’ve been living their lives more frequently than once a year, and resolve to improve themselves more often. It’s okay to set long-term goals for Earth’s next trip around the Sun, but it’s important to assess one’s self regularly. Improvement should not need to coincide with fireworks.

To be continued.

First of all, I must introduce Mr. Rootbeer. I met Mr. Rootbeer at KFC one day when he decided to complain to their customer service about a very little thing involving the use of styrofoam containers when he didn’t order take-out. It was a very silly thing, Mr. Rootbeer said, when plates were readily available, easily reusable and did not fill landfills. He did not like the unnecessary waste.

Mr. Rootbeer is what people like to call a “complainer”. He complains about everything, big and small, from shoddy government projects to traffic non-compliance to how a lot of people don’t seem to bother complaining about a lot of things they hate. They rant to their friends about being insulted by taxi drivers, and they blog their asses off about rude waitresses, but they never raise their complaints to the people who can change things. Mr. Rootbeer wants to change things.

Once in a while I will allow Mr. Rootbeer to write things on my site, but I’ll try to tuck him away in his own corner so that he doesn’t go shouting in your face. He means well, I’m sure, but he can be distressingly loud at times.

Mr. Rootbeer says “Hello.” But enough about him.

One of the few things I like about the holidays is that it’s the time of year when a lot of people don’t have classes or work and are able to meet each other for the first time since high school, allowing me the opportunity to check up on how my mice are doing. You see, Christmas is a time of high school reunions, when classmates meet for dinner after years apart, exchange pleasantries and recollections and greetings all while pretending they didn’t still hate each other’s guts or something. And even though the people who go to these things have never been my crowd, I attended one such Christmas reunion to observe. I watched for signs of progress and growth, from this group of people who used to go to the city’s premier Science High School. I wanted to see if education really gets anyone anywhere, in a good school or a good job at home or abroad. This group of people was my “Public Science High School” sample group. My mice.

From my little corner of the table I determined that I was stuck with the middle mice, the ones who were doing quite well, not bad, but not exceptional either. I hope to someday gather more information from the edges of the bell curve, because that’s where the more interesting stories are. And stories are one of the few things I enjoy as much as writing.

Some reunions I attend for fun. Away from expensive plates of unspecial dinners and DSLR cameras and dresses made for showing off, we gathered in a living room, talked geek, played Taboo, and ate pizza and ice cream and a wonderfully made cake. No pretense here, no one trying to one-up each other, no exchanging gifts. Here we’re just friends.

One other thing I haven’t done in a long while is dispense romantic advice like I was some expert on it, which is what I tend to do when I’m surrounded by a bunch of girls talking about their relationships or lack thereof. Zee calls this my Dr. Phil mode, but I’m no psychologist and really all I do is take the information revealed to me and translate it to simple, logical terms, unspoiled by anger or jealousy or pain, because I have the advantage of being a third party. And once in a while I explain a few of my “operating principles”, like how relationships are logical and not the senseless helpless heap of emotions a lot of people believe them to be.

Here’s a little piece of my “operating principles” I’d like to share right about now:

Don’t Take Advice.

Not from anyone, not even from me. Listen to advice, learn from it, take the things you agree with and discard the things you don’t. If unsure, keep that advice for later until you’re more able to dissect it. Any advice is offered with a limited understanding of your situation, because no matter how hard you try you will never be able to describe your problem in such a way that you get absolutely everything across. I will never be in your position because I am not you, and any advice I give is given with the knowledge that I will not be there to suffer any consequences that advice might bring. So please, think for yourself and don’t take anyone’s advice, especially not mine. I have a limited understanding of this world and how it works; don’t lean on me. Lean on yourself, and on your own understanding.

To be continued.

Type O
You are the social butterflies. Often popular and self-confident, you are very creative and always seem to be the center of attention. You make a good impression on people and you’re often quite attractive. Organized and determined, your stubbornness will help you reach your goals. You make good leaders. Lovewise, O is most compatible with O and AB. Common career choices: banker, politician, gambler, minister, investment broker, and pro athlete.

Type A
Type As may seem calm on the outside, but inside, you’re filled with anxiety and worry. You’re perfectionists and often shy and sensitive. Usually introverted, you’re stable and thoughtful. You make good listeners and are sensitive to color and your surroundings. You like to be fashionable and are up on the latest trends, but never flashy or gaudy. You like romantic settings and often shun reality for fantasy worlds. A is most compatible with A and AB in the love department. Common career choices: accountant, librarian, economist, writer, computer programmer, and gossip columnist.

Type B
You can be very goal-oriented and often complete the ambitious tasks set before you. Outgoing and very charming, you’re good at reading people and providing support. Though critical of appearance (but not your own), you aren’t picky and are unlikely to dwell over the little things. Type Bs are impulsive individualists who often create their own path in life. You are very strong and optimistic. B is most compatible with B and AB lovers. Common career choices: cook, hairdresser, military leader, talk show host, and journalist.

Type AB
Not surprisingly, ABs can be quite dualistic, possessing both A and B traits. You may be shy and outgoing, and hesitant and confident. You often stand out from others, don’t like labels, and are nice and easy going. You are logical and determined to do things correctly. Usually trustworthy, you like to help others. You often speak in a serious manner. Your patience, concentration, and intelligence are admirable. AB can find a soul mate with any other blood type. Common career choices: bartender, lawyer, teacher, sales representative, and social worker.

(source: divinecaroline.com, used without permission)

So getting a website up is not as easy as I thought it’d be. The application’s up, sure, but all this pressure I’m putting on myself to make the content as perfect as possible is paralyzing me. After weeks of mulling I haven’t been able to put up anything more than “under construction” notices, and even those are sounding pretty unprofessional. Fuuuuu~~~ Annoying. Time to take a break.

There’s just five days left until I’m back in Cebu (yay!), meaning I have just five days left of unlimited internet connection (boo!). It’s been a while since I’ve gone a day without the internet, so the two weeks of Christmas Vacation are bound to be.. interesting. I think I can survive ‘interesting’.

Between failing at NaNoWriMo and putting up my website, I haven’t been thinking about depressing shit as much as I used to, which I have to say is something of a relief. For a while I’ve managed to forget about MyLai, Nanking, Josef Fritzl, Brooke Bennett or Junko Furuta, and have instead immersed myself in lolcats, failblog, xkcd and wii.

Fuuu~~

That’s the sound of me breathing a sigh, by the way.